My Constant Comps Companion

A Sigh of Relief- I Passed!!!

Well I took my exam last Friday and haven't had time to reflect on it too much because it's been a crazy busy week.

The exam went really well. I was very nervous the morning of but once I got in the room I was fine. There were a couple questions that threw me but overall it wasn't nearly as stressful as I thought. I was worried about one of the professors because he has a bit of a reputation, several people warned me not to work with him- or to at least expect that he would grill me during the exam. I am so glad I decided to work with him anyway. His section of the exam was the most enjoyable- I really did enjoy the conversation. I was also nervous about having War and Society as one of my minor fields because I don't have a strong background in military history- but again, this ended up being the list I enjoyed the most. I've already got a stack of war memoirs I want to read this summer.

In order to celebrate and reward myself for surviving comps and finishing in one semester- I went out and bought a Nook. I haven't actually read a book on it yet since I am still recovering from the comps reading but I really wanted to play with my new toy and it has two games on it chess and sudoku- neither of which I have ever played before- so I learned how to play sudoku. I am not very good at it yet- which is why I cheat.

I am also almost done with the training so I can teach online this summer- I am looking forward to the experience. And it looks like I will be working with NIAHD as well (the National Institute for American History and Democracy) but I am not sure which session or what exactly I'll be doing.... but either way it is going to be a busy summer!

One Week To Go!

It's crazy to think I will be taking my qualifying exams (comps) in a week from today! Send positive thoughts my way next Friday- I will need them!

I've really taken a step back from the process this last week. Several people told me to take it easy for the weeks before the exam so you don't over-think and over-stress it. With all the stuff going on with my family back home it hasn't been hard to get my mind off comps. I have actually been worried that I'm not stressed enough- I should be freaking out right now- right? On the other hand, it has affected my sleep- I keep going over answers to potential questions in my head at night which makes it hard to fall asleep. I'm a little worried that if I slack off too much now I will forget everything and panic next Friday.

I'm really not sure what I think of this process at this time, I'll have to force myself to take time to contemplate it once it is over. I really need to take some time to celebrate- but I'm not sure how to mark this major step in my career- and a major accomplishment. I do know one thing, I spend way too much time in my head and I need to get out more, too bad I'm broke so I can't afford to go anywhere- ah the life of a grad student!

back to the grind

Rusty and I took a quick trip west for Easter and to attend my sister's wedding in Vegas. It was kind of a strange trip and I was nervous about taking a break this close to my exam- but I think it may have been a good thing to break me out of my comps rut. I've had three meetings since I got back and all three professors said they think I am ready! Which is great news- only one more professor to go! Hopefully he'll respond to one of my emails and actually set up a meeting. It's kinda strange- even though all of my meetings have gone well and I am on track for comps (I finished reading- so it's all review all the time from here on out) I'm feeling a little depressed- I guess I'm just ready for this whole process to be over!

the light at the end of the tunnel

I am getting closer- I should be done with the reading in about 2, or 2 and a half weeks. I am finding that it is more and more difficult to stay motivated and I am not getting as much out of my reading as I did at the beginning- I've become a machine, just processing books trying to hit my goals each week and caring more about the number than the contents.

It's hard. I feel like I am doing violence to the books. I am gutting them not reading them. It makes me think about the day I publish a book and it's future in the hands of graduate students who will gut it too- do I strive to make it easily guttable? Sounds painful. Of course, that assumes that I WILL write a book and that someone, anyone, will read it or "read" it.

I do still think I am getting something out of this process, even if it makes me long for my undergraduate days when I could read a whole book, word for word, page by page, and care about the stories told, not just about the arguments made.

I do think this will help me teach- I have been able to identify which books I want to go back to- and maybe assign and read with my undergrads- I long for the day when I get to sit in a room and discuss the stories of history not just the arguments of historians (or to chat online with my students).

I am glad that at this point in the process I am still looking forward to being an educator and to share my love of history with students- I hope they appreciate and get as much from me as I have from my professors (well, most of them).

getting nervous

I am beginning to think I have taken on too much. My first encyclopedia article is due next Friday and I am only about halfway through. And then of course I have to start on my second article, but at least that one is much shorter. I am also presenting a paper on the same day my article is due- I don't have to write anything new for the presentation but I do need to put together some form of powerpoint and of course review the paper I will be presenting (my senior thesis) and I probably need to shorten it a bit more. I am mostly worried about the encyclopedia article- I'll feel better once I've sent it off (even if it comes back needing revisions).

I also applied for a job. I wasn't planning on trying to find a job until May (after comps) but I am not sure about how I am going to survive summer (ah, the joys of grad school) so I applied for a job one day when I was panicking about money. I wasn't expecting to hear back from them so soon- but they've moved pretty fast and now have scheduled a phone interview with me. I'm not sure how I feel about it- it'd be a great opportunity but my timing is off a bit- I just hope that if by some long-shot I actually get it they won't want me to start until after comps are over!

That brings us back to comps. I am still getting a lot out of the reading- well... I'm still enjoying it for the most part but I am not sure if I am processing the information as well because it's an overwhelming amount of information to process and I am sick of reading- like the actual act of reading- I am starting to hate words which I thought was never possible. There are books I want to read but than I open them and see all those evil words and I just feel like curling up and taking a nap. I'm sure this is a natural part of comps (is there really anything 'natural' about this process?) but it does worry me that won't be able to regurgitate all of this information come test day. I have started meeting with my advisors- and they have gone pretty well- but they are a little scary too. The whole process is overwhelming. I need a break. I can't wait for it to be May.

Rusty is handling this all better than me- his bed arrived the other day in the mail (I didn't have enough room in my luggage to bring it back to Virginia with us- so my mom had to mail it). He was happy to see it.

back in va

I'm back in Virginia!

I spent two months in Utah hanging with family and friends... and reading of course. Last semester was my last semester- of course work that is. So I have no classes this semester (which still feels strange but hasn't really hit me) and I am not teaching this semester and I can, at least theoretically, read for my comprehensive exams anywhere, and I am broke so I won't be able to afford to fly home again anytime soon- so I decided to take a very long trip home this year- hence the two moth stay in Utah.

I was worried that I would not get enough reading done while I was home because I'd have the distraction of family there- but I actually managed to get quite a bit done! I have had less luck in the week I have been back here. I lost two days to the language exam and then I had a day full of meetings one of which went until 1:30 in the morning! I am way too old to be up until 1:30am- it took me a couple days to get back on track. I had a pretty good reading day yesterday- but I still only have half of my books read for this week and it's Saturday- not a good sign. But if I can get back on track I should still be able to finish in time for my April 28th exam date. In order to do that I really should get back to reading now....

Hey- did I mention I passed my language exam?!?! I PASSED MY LANGUAGE EXAM!!!! Finally, on the third, yes the THIRD, try I passed the language exam!! I am still giddy about it. Even getting in a small car accident (no one was hurt) could not dampen my elation over the language exam. Even the fact that a months worth of my mail was sent back could not dampen my elation over passing the language exam. Even the unpleasant meeting that went until 1:30 in the morning could not dampen my elation over passing the language exam. Even the fact that I am now behind on my comps reading could not dampen my elation over passing the language exam. Even the fact that I am missing my family and friends back in Utah could not dampen my elation over passing the language exam. Ok, I'll stop now, it should be clear that I am rather excited about the language exam.

Now back to reading....

nothing new

still reading, reading, reading.... nothing else new to report.

But how cute is Rusty?

reading, reading, and more reading

I have very little to say. I have been reading and doing very little else- I'm boring. But I am making very good progress- at least I think I am making very good progress. And I am still actually enjoying reading- not the euphoria of the first few weeks- but I'm not hating it. I've been getting up very early and reading at a coffee shop (where I will not be tempted to watch TV or get on my computer, or play with Rusty or my DS, or do laundry, etc, etc), it is a little hard to get up so early- but I do look forward to having the time to just focus on my work.

Besides reading I am working on my thesis- trying to edit it into an article that I can submit for publication. And I need to try to turn my senior thesis into a talk for the graduate research symposium. And I need to write two encyclopedia entries. Yikes thats a lot- And I didn't even mention preparing for my language exam (a topic I am still avoiding- but I am not avoiding studying- so that's good).

more on comps...

The reading continues.... and continues.... and continues.....

I am very nearly done with my 19th century list!!! It has gone faster than I expected. I should be done with the list I have now by Monday at the latest. I could say that I'll be completely done with a list but my advisor for this list is adding around 10 more books and I do not know what they are yet... but either way I am excited that I am making good progress- and I have managed to maintain my motivation even though I had to make it through the Gilded Age/Progressivism/Populism this week- which usually bores me to tears- I don't know why but agrarian radicalism puts me to sleep. Seriously why does this period bore me so much? A lot of interesting stuff happened then- allegedly. Of course getting up at 4am and trying to read about a topic that bores me was probably poor planning. I did enjoy reading about vigilantes in Montana today- much more exciting than farmers getting all political and trying to change the world- *yawns*

I continue on the American West tomorrow- good times!

Fun new blog and random thoughts

I've been meaning to post- but have actually managed to get into the comps (comprehensive exams) groove and haven't managed to do it.

Anyway, first I wanted to recommend this new (well now newish) blog, it is written by a guy that went to school with one of my sisters- he is recording his journey through culinary school- in Paris! It's a fun blog and he post almost everyday- far more often than I do. I highly recommend reading it- especially if you like Paris- or food- or hearing about someone who is following his dreams.

And speaking about following dreams- grad school was kind of getting me down- there are so many things to worry about and feel insecure about- and frankly my money situation is really freaking me out- what with the abysmal job market and all (especially in my field- which was abysmal even before the economy tanked). Last semester was kind of rough (as I may have previously mentioned- if so- sorry to beat a dead horse) so I have been questioning my decision- many years ago- to go back to school full time and to go onto graduate school.

Basically, I was in a terrible mind-frame to start reading for comps. For those of you who I haven't described comps to here's what I am in for. I have four reading lists for my three fields and have a professor to advise me on each list- and to eventually examine me. My fields are American History (19th, 20th, and 21st centuries) this field is split in two so I have two advisers- one for each half, and then I have two minor fields- Gender and Sexuality, and War and Society. In all I have about 285 books on my lists (yes 285!). And my examination is scheduled (somewhat tentatively) for April 28th.

Anyway- I dove into reading a couple weeks ago and last week I realized, much to my surprise, that I am actually enjoying myself! I now remember why I made my crazy decision in the first place- I love history. The way I decided to approach or think about my reading is to try to figure out how I would teach a class on what I am reading and to think about whether or not I would use that particular book or article in a class- I have thought about this while I've been reading before but my first focus was always on what I needed to get out of the reading for class- so I was more focused on what my professor wanted me to get out of a book than about what I might want a student to get out of it. I know it seems like a strange distinction to make but it makes a HUGE difference. I am really thinking about future as a teacher now instead of being dwelling on my own abilities (or insecurities) as a student. It's amazing! And brings me to the other big reason why I decided to continue school- not only do I love history but i want other people to enjoy it and to be curious about it and to want to know more- and to be surprised by aspects of history often left out of textbooks and to learn about some of the amazing people who are also often left out of textbooks.

People think that historians or those of us in American Studies have something against America- that, especially since the 60s and 70s- liberals have dominated the field and want to tarnish American History because we no longer focus on the usually white, usually wealthy, usually Protestant (or at least Christian), and almost always male, leaders of our country and because we no longer focus on the seemingly heroic moments of our history and argue for American exceptionalism. As I listen to a lecture on WWII and I read about slavery and the American Civil War I start to get excited about history again and to really appreciate the sacrifices Americans have made in the past- but to also think about the self-serving decisions and the brutality that the American ideal of individualism can also lead to- and it makes me want to share with students the complexity of our collective national past- Americans haven't always been good, haven't always cared about other Americans, but Americans have also been heroes who face incredible odds and sometimes willingly gave their lives for love of country. We are fortunate to live in this amazing country and we should celebrate that fact by studying our past- the good and the bad- because after all no one is perfect- and what better way to celebrate those who have have gone before us than by remembering them.

I didn't plan on writing all that when I started this post- I simply wanted to celebrate the fact that I am enjoying the beginning of my comps experience- I realize that I may not (ok will not) feel this way throughout the entire experience- but at least now I can remind myself why I am putting myself through what one of my professors called a hazing.

(Belated) Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

It was an odd Christmas for me- traditions had to be shifted a bit to meet everyone's schedule- so Christmas felt rather un-Christmas-like. The only tradition I managed to fulfill was getting sick. It seems like I am sick every year for Christmas- a glance back at photos of the recent-Christmas past reveals me with a red nose- every year. I have to say this is one tradition I wish I could fore-go.

I've also been feeling rather blah. I had hoped that reaching the milestone of being done with course-work would be more exciting- or maybe more fulfilling somehow. I mean it's a major milestone- it should be exciting right? Well, it just seems kind of anti-climatic. This may be because I now feel the pressure to dive headlong into reading for comps- which is terrifying. Everyone is giving me advice on how to approach the readings but I haven't really figured out a system yet which is a bit frustrating and the whole process feels very intimidating. It also doesn't help that I still have my language exam hanging over my head. Don't even get me started on that- I'll save my rant on the language exam for another post- right now I'm trying not to dwell on it as it makes me very angry and it's counter-productive to fall down that particular rabbit-hole.

So for me, it was a rather strange, somewhat melancholy Christmas- that was made better by being in the company of family and friends... and of course Rusty.