Changing my name

I have been debating changing my name for a while now. I go by my middle name and always feel a little strange when people refer to me by my first name or when I am forced to use my first name like when I am traveling or whenever I use my debit card (banks insist that my first name appear on the cards, same with my driver's license, etc). However, it was never a big enough deal that I felt I had to change my name- until I started teaching.

At both schools I have taught for I appear in the class schedule by my first name. On the first day of class I re-introduce myself by my preferred name but there are always some students who continue to address me by my first name or to list my first name on their papers. And it drives me crazy. On the other hand I feel petty when I correct them- especially on papers. So I have been thinking far more seriously about going through the process of changing my name legally.

Then the other day at the airport the gate keeper (as I like to refer to the people that work at the gates) paged me to come to the desk using my first and middle name, which he mispronounced- he called me Michelle. And I realized that at least no one (well only one person so far) ever mispronounces my first name- Mary, so by changing my name I'd have to deal with that far more often. It's completely understandable that someone would look at Michaele and think Michelle, especially when they know that they are referring to a female. I used to let it go when people called me Michelle if I thought that I'd never see that person again, but I learned that you just never know. For example, a bank teller once called me Michelle and I didn't bother correcting her because it was not a bank I went to all that often. Bu then i got a job near the bank and started going there all the time. The teller called me Michelle for 3 years and because I didn't correct her the first time I met her I never felt like i could and I honestly didn't care all that much. Then one day I made a deposit for my sister and she paused because the account was not mine and asked, "it is Michelle, right?" and I responded "Actually it's Michaele." She was mortified, "Why did you let me call you Michelle all this time!" Then I was embarrassed.

So what's worse, being called a name that feels a little foreign or being called the wrong name and having to correct people all the time? Blurg, this was more complicated than I thought It'd be.

The biggest thing holding me back was the fact that I am named after someone. Would that be disrespectful? I decided that the best way to deal with this was to take her (Baba's- my grandmother) middle name. When I mentioned this to my mom she told me that Baba had chosen her middle name (I assume she chose it when she was confirmed), so it seemed right somehow to chose the same name she had picked for herself.

Then, this morning a friend sent me a link to this article about a woman who changed her name and reinvented herself. So who knows, maybe after I change my name I'll become a rockstar! Or maybe I'll just approach the coming year (which I have been terrified about because my funding ends this year) with more excitement over the possibilities instead of with terror over the possibility that I will end up on a street corner with a cardboard sign reading "Will lecture you in history for food" (I don't think I'd have many takers).

So here's to a new name, a new year, and endless possibilities (that sounds a little corny, but it's the holidays so corny is more acceptable).

getting nervous

I am beginning to think I have taken on too much. My first encyclopedia article is due next Friday and I am only about halfway through. And then of course I have to start on my second article, but at least that one is much shorter. I am also presenting a paper on the same day my article is due- I don't have to write anything new for the presentation but I do need to put together some form of powerpoint and of course review the paper I will be presenting (my senior thesis) and I probably need to shorten it a bit more. I am mostly worried about the encyclopedia article- I'll feel better once I've sent it off (even if it comes back needing revisions).

I also applied for a job. I wasn't planning on trying to find a job until May (after comps) but I am not sure about how I am going to survive summer (ah, the joys of grad school) so I applied for a job one day when I was panicking about money. I wasn't expecting to hear back from them so soon- but they've moved pretty fast and now have scheduled a phone interview with me. I'm not sure how I feel about it- it'd be a great opportunity but my timing is off a bit- I just hope that if by some long-shot I actually get it they won't want me to start until after comps are over!

That brings us back to comps. I am still getting a lot out of the reading- well... I'm still enjoying it for the most part but I am not sure if I am processing the information as well because it's an overwhelming amount of information to process and I am sick of reading- like the actual act of reading- I am starting to hate words which I thought was never possible. There are books I want to read but than I open them and see all those evil words and I just feel like curling up and taking a nap. I'm sure this is a natural part of comps (is there really anything 'natural' about this process?) but it does worry me that won't be able to regurgitate all of this information come test day. I have started meeting with my advisors- and they have gone pretty well- but they are a little scary too. The whole process is overwhelming. I need a break. I can't wait for it to be May.

Rusty is handling this all better than me- his bed arrived the other day in the mail (I didn't have enough room in my luggage to bring it back to Virginia with us- so my mom had to mail it). He was happy to see it.