the light at the end of the tunnel

I am getting closer- I should be done with the reading in about 2, or 2 and a half weeks. I am finding that it is more and more difficult to stay motivated and I am not getting as much out of my reading as I did at the beginning- I've become a machine, just processing books trying to hit my goals each week and caring more about the number than the contents.

It's hard. I feel like I am doing violence to the books. I am gutting them not reading them. It makes me think about the day I publish a book and it's future in the hands of graduate students who will gut it too- do I strive to make it easily guttable? Sounds painful. Of course, that assumes that I WILL write a book and that someone, anyone, will read it or "read" it.

I do still think I am getting something out of this process, even if it makes me long for my undergraduate days when I could read a whole book, word for word, page by page, and care about the stories told, not just about the arguments made.

I do think this will help me teach- I have been able to identify which books I want to go back to- and maybe assign and read with my undergrads- I long for the day when I get to sit in a room and discuss the stories of history not just the arguments of historians (or to chat online with my students).

I am glad that at this point in the process I am still looking forward to being an educator and to share my love of history with students- I hope they appreciate and get as much from me as I have from my professors (well, most of them).

getting nervous

I am beginning to think I have taken on too much. My first encyclopedia article is due next Friday and I am only about halfway through. And then of course I have to start on my second article, but at least that one is much shorter. I am also presenting a paper on the same day my article is due- I don't have to write anything new for the presentation but I do need to put together some form of powerpoint and of course review the paper I will be presenting (my senior thesis) and I probably need to shorten it a bit more. I am mostly worried about the encyclopedia article- I'll feel better once I've sent it off (even if it comes back needing revisions).

I also applied for a job. I wasn't planning on trying to find a job until May (after comps) but I am not sure about how I am going to survive summer (ah, the joys of grad school) so I applied for a job one day when I was panicking about money. I wasn't expecting to hear back from them so soon- but they've moved pretty fast and now have scheduled a phone interview with me. I'm not sure how I feel about it- it'd be a great opportunity but my timing is off a bit- I just hope that if by some long-shot I actually get it they won't want me to start until after comps are over!

That brings us back to comps. I am still getting a lot out of the reading- well... I'm still enjoying it for the most part but I am not sure if I am processing the information as well because it's an overwhelming amount of information to process and I am sick of reading- like the actual act of reading- I am starting to hate words which I thought was never possible. There are books I want to read but than I open them and see all those evil words and I just feel like curling up and taking a nap. I'm sure this is a natural part of comps (is there really anything 'natural' about this process?) but it does worry me that won't be able to regurgitate all of this information come test day. I have started meeting with my advisors- and they have gone pretty well- but they are a little scary too. The whole process is overwhelming. I need a break. I can't wait for it to be May.

Rusty is handling this all better than me- his bed arrived the other day in the mail (I didn't have enough room in my luggage to bring it back to Virginia with us- so my mom had to mail it). He was happy to see it.

On the way to becoming a hermit

Reading is starting to get to me. I spend most of my day sitting and reading. Frankly it's getting old- and I'm just past the halfway mark- which is great- because it's downhill from here but bad because I feel like I've been reading forever- and I'm only halfway there!

I spend way too much time alone- if I were a guy I'd grow a beard and starting calling my dissertation a manifesto since my lifestyle is becoming rather unabomber-esque- only without the manhunt and bombs.... and I still shower and stuff.

Luckily I have a dog- unluckily for him he is owned by a hermit, I think it is starting to affect him too.







On the bright side- I actually manage to get out of my home almost everyday- Rusty enjoys his walks and how could I say no to that face? But I do think our combined stir-craziness has made our walks more interesting. Today he started climbing fences. Ok, it was just one fence- but he climbed it twice!

Here he is on top of the fence... there is a sheep behind him but it's hard to see since he is blocking most of it.



Here he is trying to go under the fence, since I wouldn't let him go over it. Now you can see the sheep.



The sheep have noticed our craziness too- these two sheep tried to climb through the fence to get to Rusty (turnabout is fair play and all that- except these are different sheep). Don't be fooled by their sweet expressions- the sheep on the left kept trying to butt Rusty through the fence.



Now, please excuse me I must get back to reading.

back in va

I'm back in Virginia!

I spent two months in Utah hanging with family and friends... and reading of course. Last semester was my last semester- of course work that is. So I have no classes this semester (which still feels strange but hasn't really hit me) and I am not teaching this semester and I can, at least theoretically, read for my comprehensive exams anywhere, and I am broke so I won't be able to afford to fly home again anytime soon- so I decided to take a very long trip home this year- hence the two moth stay in Utah.

I was worried that I would not get enough reading done while I was home because I'd have the distraction of family there- but I actually managed to get quite a bit done! I have had less luck in the week I have been back here. I lost two days to the language exam and then I had a day full of meetings one of which went until 1:30 in the morning! I am way too old to be up until 1:30am- it took me a couple days to get back on track. I had a pretty good reading day yesterday- but I still only have half of my books read for this week and it's Saturday- not a good sign. But if I can get back on track I should still be able to finish in time for my April 28th exam date. In order to do that I really should get back to reading now....

Hey- did I mention I passed my language exam?!?! I PASSED MY LANGUAGE EXAM!!!! Finally, on the third, yes the THIRD, try I passed the language exam!! I am still giddy about it. Even getting in a small car accident (no one was hurt) could not dampen my elation over the language exam. Even the fact that a months worth of my mail was sent back could not dampen my elation over passing the language exam. Even the unpleasant meeting that went until 1:30 in the morning could not dampen my elation over passing the language exam. Even the fact that I am now behind on my comps reading could not dampen my elation over passing the language exam. Even the fact that I am missing my family and friends back in Utah could not dampen my elation over passing the language exam. Ok, I'll stop now, it should be clear that I am rather excited about the language exam.

Now back to reading....

nothing new

still reading, reading, reading.... nothing else new to report.

But how cute is Rusty?

reading, reading, and more reading

I have very little to say. I have been reading and doing very little else- I'm boring. But I am making very good progress- at least I think I am making very good progress. And I am still actually enjoying reading- not the euphoria of the first few weeks- but I'm not hating it. I've been getting up very early and reading at a coffee shop (where I will not be tempted to watch TV or get on my computer, or play with Rusty or my DS, or do laundry, etc, etc), it is a little hard to get up so early- but I do look forward to having the time to just focus on my work.

Besides reading I am working on my thesis- trying to edit it into an article that I can submit for publication. And I need to try to turn my senior thesis into a talk for the graduate research symposium. And I need to write two encyclopedia entries. Yikes thats a lot- And I didn't even mention preparing for my language exam (a topic I am still avoiding- but I am not avoiding studying- so that's good).

more on comps...

The reading continues.... and continues.... and continues.....

I am very nearly done with my 19th century list!!! It has gone faster than I expected. I should be done with the list I have now by Monday at the latest. I could say that I'll be completely done with a list but my advisor for this list is adding around 10 more books and I do not know what they are yet... but either way I am excited that I am making good progress- and I have managed to maintain my motivation even though I had to make it through the Gilded Age/Progressivism/Populism this week- which usually bores me to tears- I don't know why but agrarian radicalism puts me to sleep. Seriously why does this period bore me so much? A lot of interesting stuff happened then- allegedly. Of course getting up at 4am and trying to read about a topic that bores me was probably poor planning. I did enjoy reading about vigilantes in Montana today- much more exciting than farmers getting all political and trying to change the world- *yawns*

I continue on the American West tomorrow- good times!