the light at the end of the tunnel

I am getting closer- I should be done with the reading in about 2, or 2 and a half weeks. I am finding that it is more and more difficult to stay motivated and I am not getting as much out of my reading as I did at the beginning- I've become a machine, just processing books trying to hit my goals each week and caring more about the number than the contents.

It's hard. I feel like I am doing violence to the books. I am gutting them not reading them. It makes me think about the day I publish a book and it's future in the hands of graduate students who will gut it too- do I strive to make it easily guttable? Sounds painful. Of course, that assumes that I WILL write a book and that someone, anyone, will read it or "read" it.

I do still think I am getting something out of this process, even if it makes me long for my undergraduate days when I could read a whole book, word for word, page by page, and care about the stories told, not just about the arguments made.

I do think this will help me teach- I have been able to identify which books I want to go back to- and maybe assign and read with my undergrads- I long for the day when I get to sit in a room and discuss the stories of history not just the arguments of historians (or to chat online with my students).

I am glad that at this point in the process I am still looking forward to being an educator and to share my love of history with students- I hope they appreciate and get as much from me as I have from my professors (well, most of them).

getting nervous

I am beginning to think I have taken on too much. My first encyclopedia article is due next Friday and I am only about halfway through. And then of course I have to start on my second article, but at least that one is much shorter. I am also presenting a paper on the same day my article is due- I don't have to write anything new for the presentation but I do need to put together some form of powerpoint and of course review the paper I will be presenting (my senior thesis) and I probably need to shorten it a bit more. I am mostly worried about the encyclopedia article- I'll feel better once I've sent it off (even if it comes back needing revisions).

I also applied for a job. I wasn't planning on trying to find a job until May (after comps) but I am not sure about how I am going to survive summer (ah, the joys of grad school) so I applied for a job one day when I was panicking about money. I wasn't expecting to hear back from them so soon- but they've moved pretty fast and now have scheduled a phone interview with me. I'm not sure how I feel about it- it'd be a great opportunity but my timing is off a bit- I just hope that if by some long-shot I actually get it they won't want me to start until after comps are over!

That brings us back to comps. I am still getting a lot out of the reading- well... I'm still enjoying it for the most part but I am not sure if I am processing the information as well because it's an overwhelming amount of information to process and I am sick of reading- like the actual act of reading- I am starting to hate words which I thought was never possible. There are books I want to read but than I open them and see all those evil words and I just feel like curling up and taking a nap. I'm sure this is a natural part of comps (is there really anything 'natural' about this process?) but it does worry me that won't be able to regurgitate all of this information come test day. I have started meeting with my advisors- and they have gone pretty well- but they are a little scary too. The whole process is overwhelming. I need a break. I can't wait for it to be May.

Rusty is handling this all better than me- his bed arrived the other day in the mail (I didn't have enough room in my luggage to bring it back to Virginia with us- so my mom had to mail it). He was happy to see it.